Yes.

I just saw the movie ‘Yes Man’ and it left me with an interesting notion of myself.  During the beginning of the movie, the main character says ‘no’ to just about everything. He says no to his friends, his boss, and pretty much his life.  I identified with him.

The movie itself is.. ok.  It has the typical Jim Carreyish humor, which I don’t find to be funny.  But the main message of the movie created a sinking feeling in my stomach.  At the end of the movie, the main character explains that the reason he said “no” to everything was because he didn’t want to become attached to people only to have them realize that he wasn’t interesting. When he spoke those words a little rush of panic flew through me.   I think it was perhaps self-awareness and the sudden panic that I’d need to change.

My father and I come from the same stock.  When we spend time together, it is almost as though we are competing to be the lowest on the totem poll.  You see, by being the lowest, fewer people will notice us.  If I am at a party, I am in the corner smiling as people walk by. I feel embarrassed if someone takes any time out of their socializing to stop and say ‘hi’ to me.  In fact, it is very hard to get much of a conversation from me unless I feel like you are genuinely interested in what I have to say.  In other words I have to KNOW that you like me.  (Although I have no idea why you would.)

Consequently, I do say ‘no’ a lot.  Before tonight, I’ve never understood the reason for my refusal; all I could determine was that I felt better saying it.  Now I realize its almost like I’m sparing those other people from having to spend time with me.  (Because why would they want to?  They probably felt obligated to invite me and I am relieving them of their obligation.)

Another great example of this ‘no’ reflex involves my writing.  During the last few weeks spent with old friends and family, I’ve (embarrassingly) announced my little foray into publication.  (It will be out in a few more weeks, I spoke with the editor and she said that the ‘proofs’ were being sent. (Not sure what that means.))   It felt so good to tell people “I’m getting published!”.  What felt even better was that some people were genuinely excited for me!  But as soon as they mentioned spending money to actually buy and read my story, I balked.  I would try to downplay the story.  Even told them that it was a bit strange.  I tried every polite avenue to dissuade them from spending their hard earned money on some silly story that I wrote. (I suppose it is fortunate that some of them didn’t take the hint.)  So now I am actually sitting on the fence.  If this book is published, would I tell anyone that it is ready to be purchased?  Part of me says ‘Of Course, you silly!’ but the other half is cringing.  It would mean a step up on the totem poll, and perhaps that attention would elicit some criticism.  (It isn’t my best writing.  No, really, it isn’t.)

I think its fortunate that I saw this movie tonight.  Can you imagine, an author who tells people to NOT buy their book? It seems ridiculous, and yet, that was exactly what I was doing.  So now I am realizing that if I keep saying no and I don’t put my value ‘out there’ for others to witness, then my value would become invisible, perhaps even to myself and my family.  What good would that do to anyone?  Perhaps I do need to say ‘yes’ more often.

*Takes a deep breath*

Yes.

*And a time for every purpose under Heaven….

In October it was revealed that our neighbor, Maggie, was undergoing cancer treatment.  I was surprised to hear it.  They had kept this information from us as we complained about the color of their house (teal), they kept this information from us as we visited over our hedge, they kept this information from us until it could no long be a secret;  until we stopped seeing her coming and going from their house.  Our other neighbor, across the street, stopped me one day as I was walking home from the park with my two children.  He asked me if I knew anything about Maggie’s health.  Apparently he saw her a couple of weeks ago, wearing a neck and shoulder brace, and entering a car.  I told him that she was complaining about her arm hurting while at the 4th of July BBQ and perhaps she was recovering from an issue with her ligament. He asked if we should check in with them since they wouldn’t volunteer the information to us.  (They aren’t the type to garner sympathy.)  A couple of days later my husband saw Maggie’s husband, Mal, outside and inquired about her health.  That was when we discovered how bad things were.

Maggie was undergoing lymphoma cancer treatment. It bothered me to hear this news, but I knew, in this day and age, cancer didn’t necessarily mean a death sentence, so I headed to the store and bought her a few gifts and a get-well card.  Then, a few days later, my husband saw Maggie’s daughter-in-law outside and asked about her health.  Mary’s news wasn’t great.  Maggie’s bowels had ruptured and her body was fighting the toxic onslaught.  A week later, Mal informed us that she wasn’t expected to survive.  Due to the cancer treatment (which is horrible on the body) her body wasn’t healing from the surgery needed to add a colostomy bag.  She was on a respirator, and on the following Monday, they were going to remove the respirator.  Mal delivered the news to my husband, in tears.

Unfortunately, we were not going to be home on that Monday.  We would be on our way to San Diego for my brother-in-law’s wedding.  But I prayed for Maggie before we left, and I prayed for her on Monday.  I prayed that she would find peace, either in this world, healed, or in the next world, healed.  I prayed for Mal too.  I prayed that he and his family would find strength; that they would endure the loss and overcome the grief.  Maggie didn’t recover.  She passed away while we were gone.  When we got home, Chris spoke with Mal and we were invited to go to Maggie’s memorial.  He asked if we could bring our children to the wake.  He thought they would add some energy and joy to event.  I wasn’t able to attend. (Still coughing from bronchitis)  My husband said it was a great memorial with plenty of tears and funny memories.  Just the way Maggie (who was a very sassy Italian woman!) would have liked it.

Last night, I was lying in bed when a sudden thought came to me.  My mother had this way of looking at life; she considered every day to be a miracle and I assumed it was because she was going through cancer treatment and had nearly lost her life a couple of times before she eventually passed away at 42.  But now that I am older and have watched the passage of time grow continually faster, I realized that her view on life was for life itself.  The very fact that I am here, that I wake up every morning, that I hug my children every day, that they are here to hug back, is a miracle.  The sun rising is a miracle.  The changing seasons, the mountains, the lakes and bustling cities are also miracles.  In the eternal vastness of space and time, somehow we are here, alive, breathing, laughing, and crying.  I spent last night, in tears, remembering those who are gone;  my mother, my grandparents, and Maggie.  I remembered the way Maggie would stand on her balcony and shout a loud greeting to my children while they played in our backyard.  She was always excited to see them.  I won’t hear that greeting again and although it saddens me, I am also thankful that I have those memories.  Maggie was here and she was enjoying this miracle of life that we are all experiencing and I was a witness to her part in this miracle.

This Thanksgiving will be a small one, (just the four of us) but we will have something very big to be thankful for:  This miracle called Life.

Wishing all of you a very wonderful Thanksgiving.

* Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds.

November Photo Friday

I wrote a blog post yesterday, posted it, and then removed it last night.  It was a bit of a rant and I thought it sounded too snarky.  This blog was created to share ideas and information about writing, so I felt I should stay on topic.

This is another picture taken near Downtown.  It was taken from the park that stretches from one end of town to the other and along the riverfront.  There were actually three or four more bridges behind me when I took this picture.  Each bridge dives back down to land just before turning into one of the many streets in Downtown.  The homeless gather under the bridges for shelter from the rain while park goers jog, ride bikes, or walk their dogs along the riverfront path.  If it is dry enough, many will take a moment to rest in the lawn that separates the busy streets of Downtown from the river.  Here is a picture of the park.  It is the perfect place to people watch.  (Aka, gathering character ideas.) 

Do you have a favorite place to do ‘character research’?

Announcements and a Photo

I’d like to start this blog post by wishing everyone a very happy Friday!  Happy Friday! 

There are a few topics to talk about today. First – I’d like to wish my husband a wonderful birthday. I can’t sing his praises enough.  Not only is he an excellent father but he is the most amazing husband too.  He is that perfect mix of child-like amusement with all of the responsibilities of adulthood.  I feel blessed to witness all of the joys he brings to the world and to see how amazing he truly is.  Happy Birthday Mr. C!

Second, I have a little announcement about the grand unveiling of a very unique and exciting non-profit organization.  For the Next was born from a lot of work and determination.  How do I know about all the work that went into this organization?  Because Mr. C is one of those who helped to create it!  For the Next provides the public with access to many local environmental organizations.  If you have a chance, check it out.  If anything, you can have a glimpse of Mr. C’s programming and design handiwork.

Finally, I’d like to leave you with a photo prompt.

This is a picture of downtown in November.  I believe the family and I were trying to walk away the calories from a delicious lunch of curried French fries.  But I am certain you can come up with a more interesting story. 

I will be traveling about the country for the next few days, so you may find that my posts are less frequent than normal.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

NaNot, and other things happening in November

I know there are several of you crazy writerly friends who are braving the trials and tribulations of NaNo this month.  I applaud you, no really, I do!  Id love to have that opportunity to BIC and type until my fingers fall off.  However, November happens to be a very, VERY crazy month. So instead, I am keeping my fingers firmly attached to my hands while I grab my favorite pom-poms and cheer for those who are jumping into their WIP for the next four weeks.  “W-R-I-T-E!  Write write write!!!”

So here is what’s happening for the month of November:

A road trip.  Yep, a road trip.  This is a road trip that will require at least 8 hours of driving per day.  I will be gone for a few days and I might even arrive back home with all my hair intact.  (Or maybe most of it.)  But this journey will be fun as I find my way back to people willing to say they are related to me, and the joys of spending time in their presence.

It is also time for me to hide, since it is prime Turkey season and many of my online buddies (Who know me as TurkeyLurkey) are already discussing the different cooking methods they plan to use on me.  *Gulp*

For this month, writing takes a back seat to real life.

Do you have any big November plans?

Taking it with you

I’ve had a few little adventures to the doctor and dentist’s offices lately.  (All minor stuff – I hope)  These ‘adventures’ could have been spent in utter boredom, but instead, I found myself in an exciting world as I turned the pages of my book while sitting in the waiting room.   In his book ‘On Writing’ Steven King discusses the importance of reading.  His reasoning was simple:  You can’t be a good writer if you don’t read.  He also suggested taking a book with you, no matter where you are going.  When I first read this, I laughed.  Obviously Mr. King never took his kids on errands with him.  However, hubby has been available to do the babysitting for me during these medical visits.  So, I remembered to take a book with me every time I left the house.  I read while in the waiting room, read while waiting for the Dr. to examine me and even read while waiting for my prescription to be ready.  All in all, three chapters were covered during a single doctor’s outing but, more importantly, I came home without feeling frustrated.  I’d even call it a pleasant experience.  (Ok, maybe not completely pleasant.) 

So, what am I currently reading?
An Irish Country Village by Patrick Taylor

Dracula by Bram Stoker

Its been a few years since I’ve read this classic.  In fact, the last time I read Dracula, I was in my early 20s and still in college.  It is interesting to see how stories can change and evolve as we grow and change.  During my first reading, I remember feeling a little bummed that the story didn’t have any romance in it.  (Can you tell I had a crush on Gary Oldman?)  However, I did enjoy the book and took note of the differences between it and Coppola’s movie.  Now, as a middle age mom/writer (and still having a crush on Gary Oldman) I read this book with a completely different reaction.  Certain scenes actually disturb me.  The entire ‘feeling’ during the book is dark and very oppressive. As a writer, I’m amazed at how the book was written.  Stoker created an entire, goosebumpy story out of journals, news clippings, telegrams and diaries written by various characters.  (Also known as an epistolary novel.)  The story was a work of genius, or at least a very good writer.

(Oh, and I could go on and on about the underlying themes of the industrial revolution with the development of steam powered machines, biological science, sex, religion and the developing role women and society had as a result of the changes industry was making.)

Have you ever read a book for the first time, again?

Stuff and some more Stuff

I’ve been trying to come up with something worth posting.  You’d think this was easy since I am not exactly a daily poster.  (Bows to those who have something to write every day)  But, honestly, there hasn’t been a whole lot of writing going on.  I did write a poem this week, but I must say that most if my ‘creative energy’ is being spent in other directions.  Namely, my health!  (I think I have reached the age were every year generates a new little health issue.  Is this the downswing to convalescence and death?  Ugh.)

I have also been spending some time tapping my fingers impatiently.  I have a short story being published in an anthology at the end of this month and the end is nigh!  But I haven’t heard any news yet.  (Taps fingers)  I also submitted a horror Tweet to Tweet the Meat and they decided to initiate a torture ritual.  They are counting down their top 5 entries by revealing one each evening.  Last night they revealed the fourth place entry, and tonight will be third place.  Each day I am checking my Twits (Whew, glad I included the ‘w’) wondering if I am at least in the top 5.  Just shove toothpicks under my fingernails and be done with it!!  (Taps fingers)

Oh, and speaking of torture and health issues, I have the wonderful experience of visiting my dentist yet again this week.  During the past four weeks, I have been eating and drinking through one side of my mouth because the teeth that received new fillings are entirely way too sensitive.  Every little grain and kernel feels like it is splitting my teeth apart and if I were to drink cold liquids, I may as well just pour it over an open nerve.  (Gah!)  I visited the dentist two weeks ago so she could take a look at my new fillings and discover the source of this pain.  Apparently, one of the new fillings is less than a millimeter away from my nerve.  Since the pain hasn’t vanished after a week of using Extra Strength Sensodine, I may be looking at a root canal.  (Sob)

On a lighter note, I am looking forward to celebrating Halloween, which is, of course, the gateway into our string of holidays here in the US.  Our city is having a neat little festival in the old town area.  What better way to spend a spooky evening, than to wander around Victorian homes and store fronts?

So, what’s happening in your life?

Hallows Eve

Mystic evening has approached,
Drowning the light; goblins delight.
Fairer evils dance and approach,
Doorsteps bright; footsteps alight.

Mirror the moon and drink the fairy,
Don the sheets and make some merry,
Hallows Eve, come and play
Before the night becomes the day.

Banshees wail and scream with glee,
Flying through clouds; under their shrouds.
Humans below scream and flee,
Phantoms are proud; they holler out loud.

Mirror the moon and drink the fairy,
Don the sheets and make some merry,
Hallows Eve, come and play,
Before the night becomes the day.

Bags in hand for sinful sweets,
Glutt’nous greed; time to feed.
Holler and moan the sun they meet,
Humans freed, darkness recede.

Part with the moon and toss the fairy
The sun has come; we mustn’t tarry
Hallows Eve, gone away
Now the night has turned to day.

In the Stacks

October’s Reading List

I’ve been spending a lot of time (Probably too much time) trying to piece together an outfit to wear to a wedding next month.  Unfortunately my figure isn’t made for dresses, so I’ve decided to go with a pantsuit.  (Have I mentioned how much I hate shopping?)  So, last weekend I took advantage of football season and left the hubs with the little ones at home to watch the games while I tackled the local shopping arenas.

(Side note – I’ve noticed a few advantages to this current economic downswing.  1. Lots of sales.  2. Salespeople are now incredibly nice and helpful, EVEN in the expensive stores!)

After I made a few stops trying to find slacks that fit curvy hips and short legs, (I tried on 12 pairs of pants!!) I decided to make a pit stop at the most wonderful place in the mall.  Boarders.

Mmm…. The smell of coffee mingled with new books instantly calmed my nerves, so of course I decided to spend the $$ on a couple of paperbacks and with the addition of a book lent to me by a friend, I now have my reading list for the month! 

Dracula – If you haven’t read this classic story yet, I highly recommend it.  It isn’t quite the ‘romance‘ that Coppola depicted back in ‘92, but the basic plot of the movie does follow the book.

An Irish Country Village – I’ve already read the first book of this three book series and my father lent me the third book which I will read in December.  (Its a Christmas book.)  So, when I was enjoying the sights and smells of Boarders, I decided to snatch the second book for some comfy reading by the fire this fall.

Three Cups of Tea – This book was lent to me by a friend.  She highly recommends reading it.  I haven’t opened the pages just yet though.  Last month was filled with deep and serious books and for now I am taking a bit of a breather.  However, I will get to this one in November. 

Now, if only I can find a way to wear books at the wedding.  Hmmm…..